Batman Doppelganger
by The Smash Artist
Summary: What happens when Bat-universes collide? Read on to find out, Bat-readers!
1. Disclaimer really, read this

All characters are property of Warner Brothers except for the narrator. Profound apologies extend to Cesar Romero, deus ex machina, people from Brooklyn, the late Charlton Heston, and the fourth wall, which will be shredded beyond recognizability in the following pages.


	2. Chapter 1

Rains beat mercilessly on the smokestacks and exposed piping of the Axis Chemical factory some distance from Gotham City. Commissioner Gordon had tracked the Joker to this facility and had a small army of police officers ready to apprehend the villain.

Commissioner Gordon replies, "Well, I don't know if I'd really call my officers an army."

Of course they're an army. Wait, you can hear this?

Commissioner Gordon replies, "Of course I can hear it. I liked the bit about the rains."

I'm pleased to hear that… or are you just sucking up?

"Of course not; Never!" replies Gordon, slightly hurt.

I control this world after all. Whatever I wish to happen comes true. All I have to do is will it.

Commissioner Gordon responds, "My whole career I've had the highest regard for honesty and ethics; one of the few like that in town."

That's true. I can prove it. Watch this:

"Not sure I'm going to like this," Gordon replies with some trepidation.

Yes, for a long time police officer James Gordon had been one of the few honest cops in Gotham. Let's take a look at him in his younger days: Lieutenant Gordon suddenly appears next to Commissioner Gordon. He checks himself and looks around at his surroundings before speaking up.

"Whaaaa? How on earth did I get here? I just had the Joker surrounded outside the Gotham First National Bank with practically the entire SWAT team."

Lieutenant Gordon looks around to see a whole platoon of Gotham City Police Officers – whose uniforms he does not at all recognize.

Commissioner Gordon replies, "The Joker? Why, he's holed up in this chemical plant right here. I trust you must be Lieutenant James Gordon…"

Lieutenant Gordon, completely astonished, affirms, "...of the Gotham City Police Department. Who are you?"

Commissioner Gordon replies equally perplexed, "I'm Gotham Police Commissioner Gordon."

He's you, dummy.

Lieutenant Gordon rubs his brow and answers with chagrin. "Y'know I'd be inclined to ask just how this is possible despite my never having heard of you around headquarters, but this is Gotham and I did just hear a giant voice in the sky. So, okay." He turns to face the commissioner. "Commissioner, how long has the Joker been in there?"

Wow, so, like, my voice is booming? Check this out: MOSES, YOU SHALL TAKE THESE TWO TABLETS OF STONE DOWN TO MY PEOPLE. TELL THEM IT'S FROM GOD! Now all we need is Charlie Heston. No, wait, he's dead.

Commissioner and Lieutenant Gordon along with most of the police force cover their ears in pain at the booming voice in the sky. The lieutenant shouts back, "Do you mind? That really hurts!"

Oh sorry! Now where were we? Oh yes: The two Gordons were outside the Axis Chemical factory on this dark and terrible evening, waiting to apprehend the Joker, whom had been tracked to the eerie facility full of acrid smells and odd hisses and thumps. Holed up in a tiny office room somewhere deep within the shadowy iron fortress, the Joker planned to make his escape by turning the chemicals on the invading police officers.

Commissioner and Lieutenant Gordon immediately realize what is about to happen and start, "Oh you are not going to cut us-"

The scenery changes to the foreman's office on the upper floor of the complex. Here stands the Joker in traditional purple suit and coat, teal vest and tie, and orange shirt. Beneath the purple fedora is a face completely white, with ruby red lips stretched into an unnatural grin and thinning green hair to compliment_. _He hears the voice and looks around suspiciously.

"Who said that?" he asks abruptly.

Just me, your friendly neighborhood narrator!

The Joker replies, "Well could you add a little more death to it? You're killing the mood."

Spoken truly like Jack. Very well, here goes: And over in the corner the acrid stench of dead sewer rats drew the interest of a few flies. How's that?

The Joker replies laughing, "You, sir, are even crazier than an artiste like me!"

We aim to please. Now back to the story: The Joker summoned his goons, including his favorite Bob the goon, as soon as he saw silhouettes of the police along the opaque office windows.

The Joker speaks up immediately, "Wait a minute. I shot Bob the goon in my movie. For no particular reason."

So? In his present condition he'll make a great meat shield for you and your living goons.

The corpse of Bob the goon appears nearby the Joker's goons. It falls lifeless to the floor, causing the men to spread out in horror. The stench of the corpse draws the flies from the dead sewer rats.

The Joker replies, snickering, "Do you have any idea how long Bob's been buried?"

Let's see; the movie was 1989 and the present year is 2009, so twenty years. And if the meat shield thing doesn't work out, you can throw Bob at the cops and gross them out!

The Joker erupts into mad laughter. "I like you better every minute, sir!"

I know. Now: The cops bust down the doors and engage a firefight with the Joker's goons, while the clown prince himself flees from the cops. Between the horror of Bob's rotting corpse and the exceptionally good aim of the goons, Gotham's Finest have to make a retreat. The goons drive away most of the cops, and the two Gordons leading the Police wonder why the Joker's goons suddenly got so tough.

Lieutenant Gordon takes the cue, "Yeah, what gives?"

Well, the cop-goon ratio is about seven to one, and I need some goons left for you-know-who to beat up. Besides, unnamed police officers usually rank somewhere between red-shirted ensigns and stormtroopers in surviving stories like this one. AND I let most of your unnamed officers retreat.

Commissioner Gordon speaks up in excitement, "You mean he's coming? The giant Ba-"

HEY! Don't ruin it for my readers!

Commissioner Gordon, cringing from the shout, responds, "You could have asked us to wait outside for you-know-who to arrive."

Now what cop in his right mind would not want that collar for himself?

Lieutenant Gordon says, "You-know-who is sure taking a long time to get here. He hadn't been seen for awhile since the Joker started his crime spree."

Trust me, he'll show up. The Joker counts his blessings and his goons celebrate because they drove the police outside the Axis Chemical complex. The Joker is just about to disperse his men when all of a sudden the office lights short out.

The Joker, suddenly suspicious, advises, "We've been ratted out here boys. Be careful."

One goon picks up a small, bat shaped brass object and examines it carefully. He doesn't see the two goons behind him get lifted off the ground and out of sight. He reacts with a terrified shout when he feels an arm hook around his neck and lift him up into the shadows. The Joker and his four remaining goons look around cautiously.

A goon whispers in an outrageous Brooklyn accent, "Hey boss, I don't remember the giant bat being this mysterious."

Quiet, you! You don't get to talk in this story!

The goon responds dejected, "Why not?"

Because then I have to give you a back story for our readers! And you're an expendable goon. In fact: Goon who talked gets his legs lassoed and his ass dragged into the shadows, never to be heard from again!

Hah, that'll teach him. Don't forget who's boss around here!

The Joker nods swiftly, "Gotcha. I'll let my remaining three goons know."

You do that. I'll get back to the story: The Joker is unaccustomed to such an approach from his nemesis and so sends his three goons on a hunting spree. The goons decide to play it safe and go in a team. Shoe leather clanging against metal grating signals a warning to their unseen pursuer. They get to a spot fairly wide open, suspended above a chemical river, when their attacker drops down and begins throwing knees, elbows, and head butts. Soon the goons are all unconscious and the shape retreats into the shadows.

The Joker, now perplexed, responds, "Wait just a minute. This doesn't sound like Ba-"

DON'T RUIN IT!!!

The Joker and his goons grab their heads in pain. He replies, "All right! You don't have to shout! The guy I'm used to likes us to see him before he beats us up."

The Joker studies the ceiling and the windows very carefully, awaiting any sign of an aggressor. He even pulls out his seventy-two-inch magnum in preparation for the obviously stealthy and tough creature that swallowed his goons.

"Ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?" speaks the Joker to the darkness.

Unfortunately the stealthy creature eludes the Joker's notice. The clown prince of crime is surprised when the form leaps on him, smacks the gun across the room, and grabs him by the lapels.

"What the hell are you?" replies the Joker in shock.

"I'm Batman!" growls the figure.

Rather than a short, black-rubber-clad silent figure, a taller vicious-sounding angry man in a sophisticated black suit of modern military armor that resembles a giant bat has the Joker in a vice grip. For perhaps the first time since his chemical bath, the Joker is afraid.

"I don't know what you did with Batman, but he used to be a lot more fun," Yelps the Joker before addressing this Batman. "You're more like a bat-ninja."

The Dark Knight replies, "And you're not the Joker I recognize, but you'll do just fine!"

Batman smacks the Joker across the room. The clown prince's body ricochets off the nearby wall and very savagely drops to the ground.

The Joker spits blood and snarls, "You never did have a sense of humor; even when I almost knocked you and that reporter Vale off the cathedral tower. I was throwing up my best material there!"

The Dark Knight starts to stalk the fallen clown, "What do you mean? Answer me!"

Um, I think I can help with that.

Batman's eyes narrow and he cocks his head suspiciously, "What?"

Not one to miss an opportunity, the Joker replies, "Yes, Bat-brain, you've finally flown the belfry! You're hearing voices in your head. And so am I! Hah hah ha!"

Surprise, Dark Knight! This isn't the Joker you know. However, I can change that: The Joker suddenly appears next to the other Joker and Batman finds himself overwhelmed.

The Joker looks at his surroundings and licks the edge of his mouth, "Hmmm… What doesn't kill you makes you stranger." He glances at the other Joker. "Do my virgin eyes deceive me? You look like the uncle I never had. Say, how _did_ you get that scar?"

"A man after my own face!" replies the other Joker.

Both Jokers laugh hysterically. Batman just looks puzzled.

The Dark Knight whispers, "Two Jokers?! And why do I keep hearing voices in my head?"

Oh, you don't. Everyone here can hear me. I'm the narrator.

"Just a minute." The Dark Knight incapacitates both Jokers. "Okay, now let's talk. Why did you bring me here? One minute I'm at home. The next, I find myself in what looks like a chemical factory I've never seen before…"

And yet you ninja'd all seven of the Joker's goons; very good.

The Dark Knight replies, "Instinct; I trained at a Himalayan monastery you know. So, why the two Jokers? More importantly, where did this other guy with the nice coat, middle-age paunch, and nerve damage come from?"

If I told you that, I'd have to write you out of existence. However, the playing field should be leveling right about… now:

The Dark Knight turns around and watches a large bat-shaped form descend from the smoky haze of the ceiling of the chemical factory. He lands with nary a sound and stares at him.

The Dark Knight, unimpressed, asks, "Who are you?"

Batman quietly intones, "I'm Batman."

"Impossible. I'm Batman. You're too short."

Batman responds, "Nice costume." He glances at the two unconscious Jokers, and speaks again. "I don't know who you are or where you came from but I've got this now."

The Dark Knight growls back, "Not with the way you made that entrance. Had the Joker's goons still been conscious you would have been shot."

Batman, irritated, responds, "Look, I've been doing this a hell of a lot longer than you, so I don't need to be lectured like some rookie."

The Dark Knight answers, "You sure aren't Batman. I've had issues with copycats before, and put them all out of commission."

Batman advances dramatically toward the Dark Knight. "You going to stop me?"

The middle-aged Joker, whom we will now call Jack's Joker, regains consciousness right before The Joker does as well.

Jack's Joker shouts, "Bat-fight!" He turns to The Joker, "I'll grab the popcorn."

You're both Batman, so stop this idiotic positioning.

The Joker replies, "You're no fun." He seems completely comfortable hearing a giant voice in his head.

The Dark Knight ignores both of them and growls to Batman, "My parents were killed by Joe Chill. The anger and guilt drives me every day."

Batman responds to the Dark Knight, "My parents were killed by Jack Napier, who later became the Joker. Wait a minute. The Joker should be dead. He fell ten stories off a cathedral in my movie."

The Dark Knight points to Jack's Joker, "You must mean him."

Batman points to The Joker, "I don't mean him."

Batman glances toward the rafters wearing an expression that demands answers.

Hey, I needed him alive if this was going to work. Besides, I've already brought back one dead guy from your movie:

Both Batmen smell and then see the corpse of Bob the goon and almost puke. Both Jokers laugh hysterically.

The Dark Knight growls angrily, "That is sick! Does this *ahem* chance meeting have some sort of point?"

Yes, but I'm stalling for time while I figure out what it is.

All four characters smack their foreheads in disgust.

Just then Lieutenant Gordon speaks up from outside the chemical factory. "Are we going to get more screen time? Because it's freezing out here!"

You're still here? I thought I got rid of the cops. You've played your hand.

Burton's Harvey Dent steps out of a limo followed by Nolan's Harvey Dent. "Can I just say that this is the first time we've been in this story?"

No; I'm sorry. There isn't time: All of a sudden Commissioner Gordon, Lieutenant Gordon, and both Harvey Dents all arrive back at their respective offices with NO MEMORY of this event.

That'll teach 'em not to interrupt…

Jack's Joker confirms, "So, it's just the four of us now?"

"This reminds me of the time I pulled that mob bank heist and killed off all my goons," remarks The Joker.

The Dark Knight says to Batman, "See what kind of sick psychopath I have to deal with?"

Jack's Joker interrupts him, "What do you mean? This guy is great. Of course I'll have to keep my poesy handy, if you know what I mean. Hah hah he!"

Batman replies to the Dark Knight, "I'll help catch your wavy-haired maniac if you help get my psychotic clown."

"Deal."

Both Batmen march toward The Joker only to receive a spring-loaded fist in the cowl that knocks them both to the floor. The Dark Knight turns his head - because we all know Batman can't - to see Jack's Joker standing there with a magnum that fired the projectile.

Jack's Joker advises, "If you think you're just going to get him like that, you're both crazier than I thought. And in this town there's only room for one big kahoona."

The Joker nods, "You're right: Me." He advances toward Jack's Joker with brandished knife. "Let's get a smile on that face."

Jack's Joker senses a trick and replies, "Okay, but first let's shake on it." He extends a right hand. "Then we can go our separate ways and… that'll be it."

The Joker looks at his hand and then him. "I'm a better class of criminal than that. You've got an electrified joy buzzer." He reaches into his long purple overcoat, puts away his knife, and pulls out a dagger.

Now it is Jack's Joker's turn to stare at the rafters, "You told him didn't you, you vicious bastard?!"

I didn't say a thing. He could probably see it. It isn't exactly subtle.

Jack's Joker replies, "oh yeah; well, shit. I guess it's time to retire."

Jack's Joker takes off along a thin walkway toward the dark bowels of the chemical factory with The Joker brandishing the sizeable blade in hot pursuit. Batman follows them on foot while the Dark Knight follows unseen along pipes and crevices.

Batman thinks, "I hope the other Batman's keeping up. I know my Joker but this other guy seems even more unpredictable."

The two Jokers manage to make their way into the lowest portions of the chemical factory. In fact, the piping creates ominous shadows and the giant furnace resembles the lair of another famous monster: One, two, Freddy's coming for you, three, four, better lock your door…

The two Jokers and Batman stop and look around the room cautiously. The Joker chuckles to himself as the familiar shadow of a fedora and four-pronged claw reflects off the wall. However, that shadow is soon enveloped by the shadow of a bat and the trio hears groans and thuds from behind the shadowy piping. A few minutes later the bat shadow rises up in triumph. The two Jokers use this time to surround Batman and smack him to the ground. The Joker mounts Batman in the male position and prepares to cut his face.

The Joker starts, "Do you wanna' know I got these scars? Back when I was a small-time hood I was working a heist in a factory like this one. I was the new guy, so the other guys made me wear a red rookie helmet." The Joker touches Batman's mouth with the edge of the dagger blade.

Batman gulps, "Okay, now I'm a little worried. Narrator?"

Guess what? I like tension! You get yourself out of this mess.

The Joker grins and continues, "And they decided to haze me by gluing a couple of razor blades inside the helmet. Call it an initiation. They never meant for the blades to cut as deep as they did. You see, the helmet was a couple sizes too big for my head. The helmet bouncing around on my shoulders caused the blades to carve me a brand new smile. But I'm the only one that survived because the damn thing was bulletproof! Life is funny like that. And now I'm always smiling. Wanna join?"

Batman braces as the Joker starts to pull the blade toward the left corner of his mouth. All of a sudden The Joker feels a cable twist around his feet and hoist him into the air. He drops the dagger and tries to grab onto Batman for leverage. The pull on the rope continues until the tension becomes too great. The Joker is not strong enough to lift Batman and has to let go. He's hoisted into the air like a huge piñata.

Jack's Joker quips, "And what do we do with piñatas?" He advances menacingly toward the prone Joker. "We break them open."

He ignores the prone Batman until he gets tripped. He then assesses that the other Joker's not going anywhere soon and so turns his attention to the prone Batman. "You just don't know when to quit, do you? Looks like you get to go first."

Jack's Joker begins shooting acid from his poesy toward the prone Batman, whom narrowly avoids the volatile streams by rolling from side to side. He shouts "Hold still you jumping bean!"

The Dark Knight jumps from the shadows on to Jack's Joker and knocks him out with a sharp head butt. Batman gets up and goes to the other Joker, whom is still hanging upside down, and smacks him with right hooks until he too is unconscious. Both Jokers wake up to find themselves tethered to particularly strong pipes. All of a sudden a blue and grey clad figure leaps into the picture and strange base-led sixties music starts playing.

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh Bat Man!

West's Batman bellows, "Thank you gentlemen, but I can take it from here. Gotham is safe again with these two Jokers soon to be in Police custody."

Dark Knight says to Batman, "Check out the imposter in the ballet tights! Halloween's not for nine more months and, besides, our narrator sent the police home."

There's still one set of police left.

Dark Knight and Batman say together, "Oh no…"

Bright greens and oranges fill the screen as both Jokers and all three Batmen are transported to a bright sunny metropolis circa 1968. The formerly dreary chemical factory is now a cornucopia of closed piping and wide chipper walkways.

West's Batman announces, "Ah yes, Gotham's a beautiful city indeed!" He speaks into a pale blue walkie-talkie marked bat-radio. "Yes, Robin, two crazies calling themselves the Joker have been apprehended over here at Gotham Friendly Chemical Works by two tall, dark and scary bat-assistants. You can help me deliver these Jokers to Commissioner Gordon at police headquarters downtown. Batman out."

Dark Knight and Batman seem appalled by their sugary surroundings. "Bat-assistants? Get him!"

Both dark Batmen approach their lighter-costumed counterpart wearing murderous expressions underneath their cowls. He starts backing up in slight trepidation.

West's Batman tries to negotiate, "I strongly encourage you to change your mind, good citizens, for I can have the police apprehend-"

Jack's Joker and The Joker shout in unison, "BATFIGHT!!!"

Robin arrives just in time to see his Batman tethered upside down to a particularly wide pipe and yelps in surprise when a black-gloved hand grabs him from behind.

OBLIGATORY CUTSCENE HERE!

Both Jokers are laughing their heads off as they watch Batman pick the utility belt of West's Batman, observe the Bat-objects with exasperation as he reads the titles printed on said objects. If that wasn't enough they also have direct view of The Dark Knight repeatedly dunking an upside-down Robin into the nearby Gotham River via cables tied around his ankles.

"Holy seasickness! This isn't funny you… imposters!" gargles Robin between dunks.

Jack's Joker and The Joker are now laughing so hard they're dry heaving.

Dark Knight sighs, "I'm getting bored with this. Narrator, if you please."

Oh, fine: Robin suddenly appears in his Batcave wondering how on earth he ended up sopping wet when suddenly the bat-phone rings. Commissioner Gordon calls and summons Robin to this Gotham's national bank to foil yet another plot by Egghead.

This is deus ex machina you know.

Batman also chimes in, "Now return us to our own worlds, before I go nuts from this."

You already are nuts. And what fun would it be without the other Joker?

All say in unison, "Other Joker?!"

All of a sudden, Cesar Romero's Joker appears nearby the two tethered Jokers. He proceeds to untie them while laughing hysterically. The Batmen are forced to let free their blue-cowled counterpart, while giving him back all his bat-gadgets.

West's Batman says in relief, "Thank you citizens. Now I would have to apprehend you but we seem to have more pressing concerns at the moment."

Batman exclaims to West's Batman, "Bat-spray?! That's about the lamest thing I have ever seen." He says to the Dark Knight, "If I ever start naming my tools like that, please kill me." West's Batman looks dejected at him.

Romero Joker says to the other Jokers, "It seems you two dapper gents found yourselves tethered to a real pipe dream. But now ol' Joker's here and it's time we sent those Bat-geeks a sleeping with the fishies. Hoo hoo ha ha ha!"

The three Jokers face the three Batmen and prepare for a fight. Will the Batmen be victorious or will the Jokers get the last laugh? Tune in tomorrow, same bat time same bat channel!

Batman and the Dark Knight groan with disgust.


End file.
